Alright, so maybe my intro isn’t that strong this week. I went straight to the fart jokes before I could even give you guys any warning. Usually I make at least one mention of unicorns and Switzerland before I get to the potty humor. Sorry about that.
But, despite this little blog hiatus (Where did 3 weeks go?!!!? I really have lost all track of time. Ay yi yi. Five words y’all: eggnog, turkey, peppermint bark…eggnog.) the band got back together for one last jam. On the blog. And this week, I wanted to explain the differences between two important catchphrases in the cheeseworld. “Artisan” vs. “Farmstead.” Related? Important? Do I care?
So we’ve tried some different things since mid-summer. We’ve talked about grocery items. We’ve talked about fondue. We’ve talked about designer cats dressed up as apples that are EATING apples. We’ve covered it all. But sometimes, when late early winter is upon us, we realize that we have to get back to our roots. Where did we come from? How did it all begin? Well, if you are a loyal reader of the blog, you’ll know that this all started with a little feature I like to call….CHEESEPINIONS. And we have a lot of cheese right now. I mean…Jesus, it’s kind of overwhelming. (And don’t even get me started on our butter selection. We have so much butter right now it kind of makes me want to run around the store announcing it in an Oprah voice to get people all riled up over it…) So I thought I’d do what I do best: irritate my coworkers long enough for them to tell me about their favorite cheeses of the moment. Precious.
As precious as this baby bobcat?!?!? Well...no. Also, not as delicious.
So today we are going to start by putting on our imagination caps. I’ll wait a minute so you can go retrieve it out of your imagination box.
…
So fun already.
…Ok. Is your cap jauntily placed on your noggin’? Good. Because right now I’m going to whisk you away to the Swiss Alps. In December. You are a Swiss farmer’s wife. Your name is Hilde, you like gingham and kirsch, and you once had an affair with a man you met at a cafe in town after he bought you a glass of red wine and you couldn’t stop staring at his impressive mustache. Unfortunately December in Switzerland is a snowy time so you don’t have a lot of variety in your gastronomical options, your chubby sister is staying with you for the holidays and a shepherd with strong shoulders but gentle hands showed up at your door step last night when it started to snow. Great. All you have for dinner is some really old cheese, a container of pickles, some Stroopwafels and a hunk of bread that you are pretty sure you baked last August. And everyone is hungry and huddled around a small fireplace in the back of your cabin.
I wanted to blog, but I didn’t really have anything to blog about. Except for this video of a cat dressed up like an apple EATING apples! (There is also a real good video of a similar cat dressed up like a banana split eating a banana! Internet, you ARE my best friend and what would I do without you apart from wither like a salted slug…)
So, here’s what I’m going to tell you blog world. Go to the Farmer’s Market. Buy some apples (because they are totes in season). Come to the shop. And buy two cheeses. I would recommend the delicious sheep camembert style cheese Shushan Snow from the wonderful 3 Corner Field Farm. You could smear this gooey, soft ripened cheese on your apples and have a classic afternoon treat. Then I would probably get a wedge of Vermont Shepherd. Because it is delicious, buttery, and slightly salty. Like the welcome smile of a fat and sassy sheep. Cut a small hunk off that and put it in a baguette, followed by a cleansing nibble of your apple. It would be really good. That’s all I got. A kind of lame suggestion followed by an adorable video (and there are like….tons more of these videos. Don’t worry, you’ll be occupied for a while…) K super.
Hello. We at Blog HQ love nothing more than people reading our humor and wit and sharing it with the world. So, because we know many of you are loyal readers and followers we are delighted to offer you a magical special treat if you come into the shop this weekend.
If you come in and complete this phrase based on the posted video: “V is for…” YOU WILL GET TREATS! We will provide you with a complimentary, delicious pack of Italian cakes. Yes, that’s right. Italian. Cakes.
So, read the blog, watch the video, come in and complete the MAGIC PHRASE, and you will get something yummy in your tummy.
Dylan, Dylan, Dylan. Let’s introduce Dylan. This curly haired, bearded lad hailing from Colorado is our youngest and often most enthusiastic cheesemonger here at the Bedford Cheese Shop. When he’s not buying Star Wars curtains for his bedroom or practicing rowboating across wooden floors (it’s a thing…) he’s sitting around contemplating. Gastronomical contemplating. That’s right. He thinks about food all day. Like the rest of us. But Dylan likes to think about mustard. And here is what he has to say.
“Oh, hey, Dylan. I’m glad I caught you before you run off to your next Magic the Gathering Tournament. So, I hear you have this thing for mustard. Anything in particular standing out these days?”
As a cheesemonger, I often find myself in a constant state of vocabulary deja vu. Often, customers come into our store with a big steaming CHEESE brand on their brain, but they haven’t gotten past that first primal thought for buttery, decadent goodness.
“Hi. **Awkward laugh** I was looking for some cheese. **Awkward laugh** I’m a little overwhelmed. Could you pick something out for me?”
This is where my cheesemonger thesaurus comes into play and the interaction becomes some weird combination of Dr. Seuss and 20 questions
Raw cheese?
Pasteurized cheese?
Hard cheese?
Soft cheese?
Stinky cheese?
Mild cheese?
First things first. Let me apologize if there is any weird formatting going on with WordPress. When I am writing these things, I use FUN FEATURES like bold. Or italics. And I center images in the middle of the post. And sometimes I do this cool thing where a trail of cascading stars follows the cursor as you click around.
But somewhere…in between writing and publishing…an internet gremlin literally destroys everything I had just done. Everything is just plain jane text…unaligned….hideous. So if anyone could tell me how to make this ridiculous website work, I’d be much obliged.
P.S. This whole intro was written in rainbow colors, bold, underlined, and if you unfocus your eyes a little it turns into a picture of Ted Danson milking a goat. But you couldn’t see that, now could you. Ridiculous internet.
OKKKKKKKKKKK. Onto serious business.
So last week, I interviewed Austin about his grocery passion. THIS WEEK I interviewed Stephanie about her favorite grocery things. I recommend clicking play on the embedded video and reading away…
Austin is our resident Southern imported soda enthusiast. He enjoys sodas produced out of the country and comparing and contrasting the subtle differences between drinks such as “Red Lemonade” (from the green hills of Ireland) or “Fentiman’s Dandelion & Burdock Soda” (from the beautiful bogs of England). I decided to sit down for a minute with Austin and try to figure out which soda is superior to them all.
Oh. Hey there. Didn’t think I’d see you back here again. Yes, I may have taken a two month hiatus from cheese blogging to conduct extensive research for my new book: “How Short Can I Make These Jean Shorts Before They Get Offensive?” (Answer: Really short…) but never fear. I HAVE RETURNED.
Ah, friends, it’s that time of year when Summer gives way to Fall. The constant uncomfortable hellish heat of August gives way to the gentle folds of warm September days and cool Autumn nights. You start fantasizing about your favorite striped wooly socks and begin thinking about things like cooking a hearty stew while wearing a turtle neck or drinking a bottle of red wine as you try to decide between eating chicken pot pie or just…drinking another bottle of red wine. The leaves change colors and the whiskey-enduced desperation of winter hasn’t yet arrived. I think Enya said it best, when she uttered the famous words: “if all you told was turned to gold // if all you dreamed were new // imagine sky high above // in Caribbean blue.”
Gurlfriend! I love those seahorse earrings. Call me!
