Meet Dylan…

ChrisatBedfordCheese / October 20, 2010, 12pm

Dylan, Dylan, Dylan. Let’s introduce Dylan. This curly haired, bearded lad hailing from Colorado is our youngest and often most enthusiastic cheesemonger here at the Bedford Cheese Shop. When he’s not buying Star Wars curtains for his bedroom or practicing rowboating across wooden floors (it’s a thing…) he’s sitting around contemplating. Gastronomical contemplating. That’s right. He thinks about food all day. Like the rest of us. But Dylan likes to think about mustard. And here is what he has to say.

“Oh, hey, Dylan. I’m glad I caught you before you run off to your next Magic the Gathering Tournament. So, I hear you have this thing for mustard. Anything in particular standing out these days?”

“Well, I’m really into My Friend’s Spicy Brown Ale Mustard. It’s a whole grain mustard that is made in Brooklyn. Real good.”

Self. Explanatory.

Self. Explanatory.

“Oh yeah? Why do you love this mustard so much? What makes it so super special to you?”

“Well. This mustard is basically from Poland. And by Poland, I mean Nassau Avenue in Greenpoint. This mustard is like caviar – when you eat it, the whole mustard grains go pop-pop-pop in your mouth, which can transform any old sandwich into something truly special. Even Amy, our assistant manager, will buy our sandwiches just for the mustard. Everyone loves it. It’s like…the coolest thing since Pop Rocks. I also love the picture on the label of the friendly woman who makes it. She is My Best Friend.”

“BFF. Totally. Except it’s with a picture. Which makes it cooler? I’m not sure. If you could describe this mustard in three words, what would those words be?”

“One – Gritty. Two- Strengthy. Three – Complimentary. Because it goes with everything.”

“Everything. That’s bold. How do you enjoy this mustard? In which way do you capture the true essence of this delicious spread?”

“Well I love this mustard on any kind of bread. Make a sandwich. Put this on it. Hot sandwiches. Flatbread sandwiches. Hero sandwiches. Boar’s Head Sandwiches from the bodega. It would make any sandwich a unique delicacy. Or I’d eat it on a steak. Except the mustard would probably taste better than the steak…”

This is probably as close to a physical image of heaven you are going to get for me.  Maybe if I was miniature and sliding down one of the sandwiches it would be better...

This is probably as close to a physical image of heaven you are going to get for me. Maybe if I was miniature and sliding down one of the sandwiches it would be better...

“So you really like this mustard. Your recommended pairing was ‘bread,’ right? So, does this mustard evoke any imagery for you? Where are you when you are eating this mustard? What are you doing?”

“Well, for me, in a perfect world, I’m in a circle with ten of my most loved ones. We are shotgunning beers in a sauna in a Bavarian chalet in the dead of winter. It’s so cold and dark and still and snowy that you have to ski there. But then, all of my other friends are there too, but they don’t feel like shotgunning beers. So, instead, they are all just standing in the background, totally naked, cheering us on as we drink beer. But this is like the 4th beer, so the cheering is starting to sound kind of like a sweet, angelic chorus harmonizing in the background. The singing is intermingled with the delicate fluttering and flapping of their angel wings…”



“So this mustard has sort of taken on a religious aspect in your life. Is there a song playing in the background to this epic ritual?”

“Nope. Just the beautiful voices of my friends cheering.”

“You tree hugger. Is there a double rainbow in the background or something?”

“Nahhhhh, but…Ok. Look. **Sigh** The bottom line about this mustard is that it’s a necessary in your life as Lost. So you should watch that show and eat this mustard. I could eat spoonfuls of this mustard. Mustard is always an accompaniment, a copilot (what does the copilot even DO?), riding on the back of the motorcycle – in the sidecar.. It’s not the glamorous one. It just holds everyone together. This mustard is doing it for all mustards out there. It stands up on it’s own. It’s a star. For once, mustard…is a star.”

“Glorious. You, sir, are a true mustard aficionado. I appreciate your time and enjoyed the pleasure of thee in thine grace.”

And there you have it. Stronger words about mustard have never been uttered before….

The voices of angels!!!!!! So tinkly and soft. And that one angel gets so sassy at about 2 minutes into it. YOU GO GIRL…ANGEL. GIRL ANGEL.

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