But, seriously.  I don’t know if it’s because it’s cold and rainy in Brooklyn, but Sardinia looks pretty sweet right about now. Relatively hilly and with craggy cliffs leading up to the blue, temperate ocean, it looks like the setting for a James Bond movie, and is clearly home to the craziest and most awesome pirate people on the planet.

Pretty sure Grace Jones, as the lovely and terrifying May Day, lives on a Viking Ship moored off the coast of Sardinia...

Home to sun drenched escarpments, rolling hills littered with bushes of scraggly local fauna, lovely cheeses (Flor di Capra or Fiore Sardo, por ejemplo), a lot of sheep, and a lot of goats, my quest for information about Sardinia was fueled by one thing, and one thing only: Casu Marzu.  This cheese has become something of an urban dairy legend (right up there with the Chinese Food Sex Scarecrow, rent controlled apartments, and this) and every now and then, some smart aleck customer will come in and try and one-up our cheese selection by bringing this ol’ thang up.

What is Casu Marzu, pray tell?  Well, time to put down your crudité niblet and white wine spritzer and listen closely.  Casu Marzu is one of the grossest (or if you are one of those types, “EXTREME”) foods of the internet lore lexicon.  Basically it’s a perfectly good cheese that has been aged while full of living, breathing, creeping, crawling, squirming, grossing me out maggots.  That’s right – it’s good ol’ fashioned maggot cheese.

Enough protein for the South Beach Diet! I'll take my dressing on the side, pleeze.

Yummerz!

Talk about a way to go off eating for a bit and give you terrible malaria dreams!  But hey.  While you are rocking back and forth in the corner of your dimly lit studio apartment, clutching yourself and wondering why anyone would dare create such a disaster of a cheese product (well, it may not cause as many waking nightmares as thisdoes…), just remember it comes from that island paradise called SARDINIA.

Sardinia: Home To Your Worst Food Nightmares. And Grace Jones.

So how does this little baby start?  Well, let’s start with geography.  Sardinia is a small, hilly island.  Unlike the Alps, there aren’t very many lush pastures for large herds of heritage breed bovine to graze in.  So that rules out rich cow’s milk cheese.  A lush coastal exterior gives way to a hot and sunny interior, resulting in shrubby vegetation.  Which means one thing and one thing only: lots of sheep (and lots of goats, but we’ll don’t really need to pay attention to them at the moment…).  These little suckers are perfectly happy rolling around hills, hopping from rock to rock, nibbling ol’ tin can bushes and cigarette butt florettes.  Sounds like heaven.  Or Williamsburg.  So, that leaves us with knowing that this cheese is a pecorino, or an Italian sheep’s milk cheese. (Little sidetrack lesson. “Pecora” = sheep in Italian.  Hence, “pecorino” = Italian sheep’s milk cheese.  Ta da! Two lessons in one…)

Alright.  So this cheese starts simply enough, as Fiore Sardo.  A DOP cheese, it is essentially a smoked pecorino, that usually is really strong, tastes like you threw a bushel of tobacco on a fire, and is aged for about 8 to 10 months.

I usually reserve this cheese for old European men who have been smoking since the Spanish Revolution and can only taste motor oil and acid. So smokey and meaty!

 

But here is where things get FISHY. And by fishy, I mean covered in flies. So, these old mountain men herd the sheep, milk the sheep, make cheese is copper vats using rustic, traditional methods, then smoke the cheese for three months. Three months into the process, they take the cheese out from the smokin’ hut that it lives in, slice the top of it off, and just kind of plop the wheels of cheese out on a table. This way, flies can lay their eggs into the paté of the cheese and let the maggots go to town. AND these aren’t just any ol’ flies that are zipping around the farm. These are specifically, Piophili casei, or CHEESE FLIES. Gross. I just threw up half a mouthful of vomit into my own hands thinking about this process. From this point, there is littler information as to what the continued aging process is. Do they leave the cheese out on a table? Does it go back into a smoker? For how long? I’m imagining it’s a couple of weeks, but I could be totally off base here. If anyone has ever had any experience making maggot based products, please put me in my place.

So. You’ve got your cheese. It’s full of thousands of maggots. Now they are basically crawling around this cheese mold, eating the rich, fatty sheep’s milk cheese and pooping it out. The enzymes in the maggot digestive tract decompose the cheese paté, making a gooey, creamy, at times liquefied cheese by-product. Supposedly, the cheese “weeps,” which Sardinian cheese-pirates dub “lagrimas” or TEARS (probably brought on by the terror of watching maggot cheese be made…). Essentially, this is a fermented wheel of cheese. It’s the kimchi of the cheese world.

From here, the terror doesn’t end. Your cheese rind has essentially turned into a bread bowl, cradling your putrefied maggot blob inside. But from here, you can sit down and eat! Nom nom nom. Call your whole family over to dinner. Your grandma. Your neighbors. That cute guy you sat next to on the bus that one time and you are pretty sure he was giving you the moves even though he was probably just forced into a crowded bus which is why he kept brushing up against your leg and the only reason you could tell it was happening was because you were wearing jean hot pants in January. ALL OF EM. In Sardinia, this cheese is reserved for super special occasions. So, time to make up a holiday (Happy Zicam Cold Remedy Biannual!) and throw a maggot party.

You remove the lid, and the interior is a squirming, ivory colored mash of goo. And then dive in! Scoop away! But watch out! Because apparently, maggots can leap OUT of the cheese, to a distance of up to 6 whole inches. So. Watch out for your eyes. This is traditionally eaten on a piece of crispy flatbread (or perhaps Tostinos Scoops), accompanied by a huge goblet of really big red wine. Oh, and you definitely want to get some maggots onto your slice of heaven. That’s the whole fun! Et voila. Your party is a success!

Supposedly the flavor is very strong. Some say it’s gorgonzola-esque, with a definite bestial quality, and a black pepper finish. Oh, and, many claim it’s an aphrodisiac! Which means you should definitely invite that sultry stranger from the bus over! Because who knows what could happen when you have a belly full of squirming, cheesy maggots. **Sigh** I’m pretty sure that’s how most Meg Ryan rom-coms start. Right?

More like "You've Got a Belly Full of Maggots." Oh wait. That's just my physical reaction to Tom Hanks....

So. Apart from the obvious, there are some things to remember about this cheese. A.) Some might try to tell you that this cheese is illegal. But, in fact, due to a loophole in European Union food-hygiene regulations that has to do with the European Union protecting traditional methods of food preparation (and apparently the government of Sardinia has published some sort of instructional guide on how to make this…) it’s totally legal! It’s just real hard to find. Although there is supposedly a restaurant in Queens that will offer you a taste after your meal of Spaghetti Carbonara. Just make sure to order whatever will taste just as good going down as it does coming up. And now, B.) Be careful when eating live maggots! Some of them can survive stomach acid, and then will lodge in your intestines, eating through the walls of your digestive tract, and it will result in your body filling up with poop. Literally. Poop.

THERE YOU HAVE IT. Yes, maggot cheese is a real thing. That’s how you make it. That’s where it comes from. That’s how you eat it. That’s how it is still around AND that’s how your body fills with fecal matter. Ta da! Now, for further visual education, here are two videos that are fairly informative (albeit filled with pasty white wiener over eaters who are totally obnoxious to look at and even more annoying to listen to). Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Adios! XOXO.

Gordon Ramsey doesn’t like embedding. Apparently.

Why does Gordon Ramsey act that way? Is he a meth head? Huffing paint?

Don’t even get me started on this boner.

Come closer, my dears.  I know we haven’t seen each other in a long time, but I’m back and I’m ready to talk.  Ring ting a ling!  It’s 2012!  It’s a year of great, mystifying, exciting things that are sure to tantalize and amaze and I am officially here, ready to report back to you.

So I’ve been absent since June 2011.  Eh – it’s good to take a break every now and then.  You come back to things you haven’t been able to focus on and learn to relove projects that you’ve neglected.  It’s like sending your kids to summer camp…But what good stuff really happened in the past few months.  Nothing really (just this, this, we all got into this, and everybody snickered about this. If you need a reminder of anything else that happened, see here or here.)  What else.  There was the Second Cheesemonger Invitational.  There was the reinvention of the Bedford Cheese Shop website.  And then there were the holidays – which is a mental dead zone for cheesemongers anyways…

So, a lot has happened, I apologize for the delay, but guess what!  It’s the New Year!  We can forget about the past and look forward to the future!  Finally.  I’ve been waiting since last January…

Alright.  After that intro. What’re we going to talk about. Well. It’s January. It’s sort of cold outside. I just spent two months trying to see how well I could handle a meat slicer with mild forms of alcohol poisoning as well as actually trying to figure out how to unhinge my jaw to facilitate easier french fry + candy consumption. It’s time…for…RESOLUTIONS. Let the guilt wash over you…

Yeah, this guy definitely did some crazy shit on New Years...

THAT’S RIGHT. We allllllll know it. It’s that time of year where we all try to live life a little simpler, cleaner, quieter, and more focused. We join a gym. Turn off the TV. Come home from work every day to a tall glass of tepid water and a big hefty piece of non-fiction and believe that we are living our 2012 lives to the fullest. But guess what. Cheese definitely worms it’s way into this scheme, and not just because I write a blog for a store that basis its livelihood on the stuff. No! As I know dozens of you out there are shoveling a bite of skinless, boneless chicken breast on top of a bed of dry arugula into your mouth, you should realize that cheese is the only thing that’s going to make this winter “diet” tolerable. So let’s discuss options.

Ok. It’s January in New York. Sure. You can get anything you want here, any time you want it. But the streets aren’t abounding with fresh fruits and vegetables. At the Farmer’s Market you are stuck with apples, potatoes, and the occasional parsnip (which according to the front page of NY Mag are making this years biggest comeback?) Your body naturally wants a little dairy to go along with all this, and luckily, do we have some suggestions for you.

Mmmmm. Bitter greens.

1.) Kale + Pecorino. Let’s get everything on the inside, moving outwards. If you are going to “cleanse,” let’s at least do it right. So you take your greens. Then you take your wedge of pecorino. Then you take a potato peeler, and you make great big luxurious curls of pecorino to nestle on top of your salad JUST SO. It’s salty, nutty, sharp, and makes you eat a whole lot more of that kale that’s sitting on your plate.

2.) Salmon + Goat Cheese. Hey guys! Newsflash! NO ONE LIKE SALMON. It’s not good. The only time anyone eats salmon is when they are on a diet and feel like they need to go easy on something? But then you get it and it’s smothered in some sort of sauce and then on top of a whole bunch of brown rice. Why? SO THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO TASTE THE SALMON.  Ugh.  God.  Have you ever been to Connecticut?  Don’t.  You’ll leave ravenous and have to stop at a drive through Burger King to get a Whopper and Frostie, and it’s because the entire time in CT you were forced to eat SALMON.  But white wine DOES flow very, very freely.  So.  Pro?  Con.  It’s all up for debate.  Anyways, since that’s the case, I feel that the best thing you can do for yourself is get your salmon and somehow incorporate some of the delicious goat cheeses we currently have into whatever you are eating. Crumble it on top. Smear it on the bottom. Just do something. From Spain, we have several lovely options. The spicy Montenebro. The goaty and citrusy Bauxa Bauma Barra. Or for something domestic, Westfield Chevre from Massachusetts is lovely! But for god sakes, stop trying to trick yourself into thinking that getting your vitamins is worth eating plain salmon, because you’ll honestly be so much happier adding goat cheese.

3.) Squash + Pyrenees Sheep’s Milk Cheese. You know, squash gets a really bad rap. “Oh I don’t like squash. It’s so boring. You see it everywhere. It’s such a throw away.” Well. A.) False and B.) Why not try to jazz up your every day winter squash with some cheese! Try a roasted squash with a light sprinkling of a grassy, nutty, herbal, slightly buttery sheep’s milk cheese from the Pyrenees such as Ossau Iraty, Abbaye de Belloc, or Tourmalet! Soon, your complaining frown will be turned upside down into a much thinner and happier smile! The buttery, rich cheese will provide a delicious pair to the earthy sweetness of a roasted squash.  You could probably eat it with your winter salmon…Praise Jesus for resolutions!

I need more Garfield in my life.

4.) Just practice a little self control. Alright people. Let’s break it down. Cheese, in moderation, especially when choosing a delicious, all-natural, farmstead option, isn’t actually all that terrible for you. People have been doing it forever, and it’s what your body needs right now. Try a wee nibble of Rupert, a delicious Alpine style cheese from Consider Bardwell Farm. The dairy will probably keep you warmer and might give you more energy than your wheatberry sampler was providing.  Or perhaps a tiny little crumble of Stichelton or Cashel Blue on your measly salad to kick your day into overdrive. Imagine the strong, fat burning bones that this cheese will be reinforcing!  Or maybe. Just maybe. A small little wedge of something stinky and glorious alongside your steamed broccoli and snowpeas to make it all seem a little more worth while. Maybe the buttery and pungent Fleur D’Aunis? Just perhaps. If you eat a little, I promise not to tell.  Plus, as soon as May comes around, you’ll forget all about the gym and go straight into Rum Punch mode anyways.  But I guess a little self-improvement is good every now and then…

Well there you have it. Some New Years Resolution suggestions, Bedford Cheese Shop style.

Until next time, pals! (Which, believe it or not, will be before January 2013!!!! LOLZ!)

So, because it’s finally summer time in the city, I’m going to touch on the topic that everyone has on their mind. Two words. Pink. Wine. That’s right. I’m declaring it GLOBAL ROSÉ MONTH! Cue chorus of scantily clad angels fluttering down from above, gently cooing Stevie Nicks, and presenting you with a glowing bottle of something chilled and pink. Yeah, so it’s already three weeks into June, so you probably haven’t actually realized that this is an officially themed month. But don’t worry! You have 10 days to catch up with me, because I’ve been sucking down the stuff like there is no tomorrow.

Yeah, so what. This is my life and I don't care what you think.

So, let’s talk some logistics about rosé. Or should I say “rosado.” Or perhaps you’d prefer “rosato.” Or maybe, JUST MAYBE, you are hanging out with Danielle Steele and drinking a hefty goblet of “blush.” Ah yes. They all refer to the same thing. Pink wine, ladies and gentleman. Basically, you take wine grapes. You squish ‘em and put em in a vat with the skins for a couple of days. Then, you REMOVE the skins from your witches brew. (With white wine you usually don’t let the wine and the grape skins chill out together. That’s why you get a lighter, smoother drink!) As a result, you get your lovely shades of pink wine. Leave the skins in for longer periods of time, you get a darker shade of pink, more tannins, and a bolder flavor. It also depends on the grape varietal(s – don’t forget about blending!) that you use. So…you get the pretty color, the easy going flavor of the fruit you use, and none of the tannins that come along with disintegrated grape skins. Et voila – a wine that is easy enough to pour into a Big Gulp cup and guzzle while you are working on your loom, making wolf-tooth hawk-feather dreamcatchers, or moulding your favorite yoga positions out of organically and sustainably harvested clay. Easy!

Rosé delirium!

Rose is great cold. It loves food. It tastes like pink berries and fruit. And, you can drink a bottle, sitting there sweating in the muggy June mid-early afternoon, and think about the hearty red wines you’ll soon be drinking in December as you curse the cold and yearn for humidity.

So, UNFORTUNATELY, we do not sell any wine at the Bedford Cheese Shop. It’s some sort of legal mumbo jumbo courtesy of the city or state or mindspace of New York. Blah blah blah they don’t want anyone to have any fun. But, what we do have in abundance is CHEESE! That you can pair with wine! So, in a perfect world, which of our fine cheeses would I pair with rosé? Luckily for you, I’ve come up with a handy dandy list of some staples at the cheese shop that you can eat while you get crunk and have a party that is kind of like this one below:

(Courtesy of Dr. Taylor Watson.)

1.) Ok. Get ready. I’m going to reference the ultimate summer time cheese. Ready? Got your diapers on tight? Here goes: BURRATA! This mild, creamy, easy going ball of joy pairs great with a lighter rose, something cold and crisp, and perhaps bubbly! I would recommend finding a really red tomato, slicing it, ripping up some basil, drizzling citrus forward olive oil on your ball o’ burrat’, and sprinkling flaked salt and pepper everywhere for a flavor explosion. Wanted to pretend you were in your Italian villa for the summer while dining al fresco on your fire escape, listening to that one Rihanna song blast out of the car parked across the street? Try this out.

Burrata!!!

2.) One of my all time favorite cheeses is Twig Farm’s Goat Tomme. Aged for 80 days, this raw milk goat milk’s wonder hails from the Northeast Kingdom. Hidden behind a gray, splotchy rind is a bone-white paste with a delicate and delicious flavor. You get the tangy goat milk thing mixed with subtle earth and grass tones. It literally tastes like the memory of kissing a really happy goat. That one time when you were in high school and you felt all tingly. Special. This delicate cheese is totally helped out by fruity roses. Imagine sitting in a field, sharing a picnic with all your goat pals.

3.) How about something Alpine for all you faithful readers? Hoch Ybrig is a great one for summertime, chosen for us by the Swiss affineur Rolf Beeler. (Good luck reading that website). Made during the summer, in the Swiss Alps, Hoch Ybrig is the product of rich, perfect, Alpine cow’s milk. Cows that graze on the most luscious and pure grass there is. It is washed in a white wine and brine as it ages, so it gives it a little kick. Fruity, nutty, creamy, earthy, with a little bit of granular fun, this cheese reminds me of a berry bush that you found in a bog. Like that imagery? I would definitely drink rose with this to cut the heavy cream palate coater, and eat some bread, a mostarda of sorts, and a big fennely salami with all dis. Go ahead. Pretend like you are a mountain herder. Or you are about to be ravaged by an Alpine hunk. Or something.

Not the prettiest Hoch Ybrig, but you get the idea.

4.) For all you blue cheese fans, I would recommend the luscious and creamy Blauschimmel. It’s a German blue that tastes like blue cheese ice cream. Zesty and citrusy, this cheese is just dying for a berry heavy (aka MEGA PINK) wine. It’s like eating a fruit salad. That you cooked into a piece of German cheese? While I try to grapple with that imagery, I recommend opening your bottle of rosé and pouring it liberally all over the place.

5.) Chabichou. It’s such a great name! And so good! And we have a ton of these fresh little French goat cheeses. They are so beautiful and look like they are covered in white brains. Yum! Hailing from the Loire Valley, this is one of the oldest, name protected French goat cheeses you can find. Yessir. Made halfway between Paris and Bordeaux, this dense, chalky goat cheese will melt on your palate with tangy, sweet, and mineral tones. If I were you, I would just open any old cold pink wine, get a bowl of cherries, and go to town. And perhaps call over your friends and have a major bitchy gossip session. Yeah…..that’s right. I’m talking about you.

Chabichou

Ok, well after all that time talking about cheese and wine….I’m incredibly thirsty. So. I’m going to go celebrate in true June fashion. Talk to y’all later! XO!

Currently, in the late May era of 2011, I’ve noticed a customer trend. I’m not sure where it started or how (but I have my suspicions…) but there has been a huge influx of visitors to the shop that all pose a similar question: “Hey, have you guys heard of that one cheese. You know. That cheese that comes in a can?!” Yes, customer, I have. Do I know or care to know anything about it? No. But, alas, when researching the term “world news cheese,” this can-cheese popped up over and over again. So, I decided to get down to the bottom of it and learn EVERYTHING I COULD ABOUT IT. That’ll show you and your questions.

The cheese in question? This little baby:

Washington State University Creamery’s Cougar Gold. Yessir. No longer is the term cougar relegated to older women pursuing younger men, it now encompasses an entire genre of can-cheese. A product that will be shelf stable in this post-rapture world we live in (and when the apocalypse comes, you know I’ll be cackling with greedy delight as I crack open another can of cheese while warding off zombie hoards of condo-living Brooklynites.)

Produced in a creamery owned by Washington State University (of which there is eerily little information) in Pullman, Washington, Cougar Gold is actually one of several cheese produced the University. Coming in a trademark 30 oz. can, it’s described as a “rich, white cheddar with a smooth, firm texture that becomes more sharp and crumbly with age” and has been aged for at least a year before ready for purchase.

Apparently, back in the late 1930′s or early 1940′s, WSU was approached by the US Government to begin producing cheese as a way to ship a dense, nutrient rich food to soldiers fighting in World War II. What’s the best way to ship things long distance with low spoilage rates? In a can!

Mmmmm....coon gravy. I like how this possum is crawling into a can. Or is that a drainage ditch? All I know is that this animal looks so shamed and miserable that you almost are glad it got crammed into a can with assorted tuber mush...

Unfortunately, the idea of cheese in a can never took off. Cans started exploding due to gasses released by cheese bacteria, and despite being sealed in a can, it still needed to be refrigerated until it’s opened. Supposedly, these suckers will last forever, as long as you keep them refrigerated. (Like I said, my bomb shelter is full of these. Cougar Gold and Mini Hot Dog Lunchables…)

A crazy statistic about this cheese is that the University sells more than 250,000 cans of their cheeses a year (most of which is Cougar Gold.) And at $18 a pop, that’s a ridiculous return. (It’s like $4,500,000 gross profit. No, seriously. For real. Annually.) In addition to Cougar Gold, WSU produces 7 other cheeses. A couple variations on Cougar Gold, something called “Natural Viking” (which I’m pretty sure is the name of a mid-90′s, softcore, gay porn? But, details…) which is likened to Monterey Jack. You can also get Natural Viking with all kinds of fun things added to it, like basil…and peppers…or even dill and garlic!

Nom nom nom.

Amazingly, this cheese has also won all sorts of awards. It got a blue ribbon at the American Cheese Society in 1993 and a gold medal at the World Cheese Awards in 2006. It’s also gotten all sorts of silver medals. I mean….the more I read, the more impressed I am. If you do a google search on the cheese to see what it tastes like, most people describe it as crumbly, milky, sweet, fruity, and nutty. It’s even rumored that Beecher’s Flagship is based on this cheese (Ha. Oh man, Beecher’s. You try so hard.) Some have suggested pairing it with domestic IPA’s or Merlot. Huh. The person who writes cheesemonger.wordpress.com even gave it “4 paws out of 4 paws (cause that’s all I got).” Despite the serious zoomorphic delusions going on here, that’s a pretty rave review.

So go out there and order this stuff! And then send me one! Because I want to invite over 25 of my closest and dearest pals and force them all to eat canned cheese. You know you want to.

I have a cold. That's my excuse.

Ok! That’s all! And also! Go here and vote for me! Do it nowwwww.

But in actuality, this is a really beautiful short movie about where some of the most famous British cheeses come from. Farm to market. Shot on 16mm film (Seriously, do you have a boner yet? Put down your copy of Rilke, take off your beret, and just watch the movie already) it took 2 years to make and really is a great visual for the cheese making process.

It came out a while ago, but I’m just discovering it now. Behind the times. But cheese is pretty much always in style so who cares. Enjoy lovies!

Have you been outside recently!? It’s pretty perfect outside in the great borough of Brooklyn these days. Breezy, sunny, full of good vibes, and usually over caffeinated! Yesssss. So what did I decide to do when it’s 75 and sunny outside?

Go to the Farmer’s Market and buy seasonal produce to create a fresh, seasonal feast for all my friends and family? No!

Privately read the next installment in the Twilight series by the water so that I can openly weep and think about the lonely life of a vampire while ignoring the smell of garbage and staring at the Manhattan skyline? No way, totally boring!

Think about going on a picnic and decided to sit in a coffee shop and command y’all to go for me?! YESSSSSS.

Totally my life. In France. In the 19th century. Except I'd probably bring my cat along with me...

Guys, it’s totally picnic season. Weather is perfect. You can actually find things at the farmer’s market apart from potatoes and squishy apples! Fresh, small format goat cheeses are at their peak. Everyone is ditching their winter significant other for someone younger, skinner, and better looking. And I put on a pretty sheer t-shirt to go on a bike ride today. It’s that part of spring where it stops raining, the sun comes out, and no one has cleared out to the beach yet.

So I’m here to instruct you on how to plan a great, casual, delicious, and kind of impromptu picnic! Hooray!

Step 1.) Gather a basket, or large tote bag, or portable cardboard box. Put any sort of plates or cups that you think you need and try to find that retro pocket knife you got when you were a boyscout 14 years ago. Remember, utilitarian chic is super in style, so don’t be ashamed that your knife is totally dull and covered in rust and is probably going to give you lockjaw. You’ll look super cool. Trust me.

Step 2.) Don’t forget a blanket! And sunglasses help. And hats. Preferably multiple hats that you can change into depending on your mood.

Step 3.) So for my picnics, I prefer finger foods. Who wants to mess with salad forks and soup spoons in the park? Not me. Go for things that can be eaten with your hands! So you know that cold mac and cheese that you drowned in truffle oil you were going to bring? Save it for later, because no one wants that.

No one wants your spaghetti carbonara either. I'm trying to fit into a speedo later this month anyways.

Step 4.) Get everything you need at the Bedford Cheese Shop! Such a great idea! Right now, if I was going on a picnic AT THIS VERY INSTANT. Here is what I would get.
- A jar of Strawberry Balsamic Jam from Anarchy In A Jar
- A slice of pheasant and fig pate (A lighter, fowl based, country style thing), made by Fabrique Delice in Northern California.
- A bottle of Vichy Catalan, a slightly bubbly, Spanish mineral water. It’s got that mineral, salty flavor and is great for hangovers! And let’s face it! In this weather you are probably hung over anyways, so drink some bougie water already to help yourself out!

So waterrrrrryyyyy.

- An Amy’s Baguette. Or perhaps an Amy’s Rustic Italian Mini!
- Let’s get serious about the cheese. Ok. So I would probably get two. GOAT FOR SURE. Yes. Something in a small format so that you can just carry it around with you, unwrap it, and provide easy clean up for yourself. Who needs wedges when you have cheese in the shape of logs and bells and drums and circles? NOT THIS GUY! So I would probably walk up to the cheese counter and pick out whatever looks prettiest on the top of the case. For example, Clochette (goat milk from the Loire Valley. Bell shaped!), Lingot de Quercy (also from the Loire Valley. Shaped like a brick!), or perhaps Acapella (a small, ashed goat round from Andante Dairy in Petaluma!). So many options! All so good.
And then, for my second I would probably choose Tomme Brebis Chevre. This Pyrenees style goat and sheep blend is mellow, flowery, tangy, and so easy to nibble on as your luxuriate in a field somewhere between the BQE and South Williamsburg. Luxurrrryyyy.
- Finally, I would definitely pick up a chocolate bar. These days I have been dreaming of the Bond Street milk chocolate bars that are filled with salted corn nuts. Creamy and smooth with just a little crunch. Or, if you’re a dark chocolate type, I would probably pick up the Zoe’s Chocolate Bar that is topped with Honey Roasted Peanuts. Because hey…you deserve a little something special, now don’t you?

Step 5.) FIND YOUR PICNIC SPOT! They are everywhere. Stoops, parks, your living room floor, your neighbor’s roof that you snuck onto via a fire escape (the element of danger really changes the dynamic of the picnic…not that that’s a bad thing). I recommend being able to see a body of water, or being in a meadow. I would avoid the following: athletic tracks, baby’s birthdays, or French Bulldog meetups (they look so cute all together but then you realize that you then have to watch the owners be so neurotic about their stupid designer dogs…).

And that’s it! Pretty easy right! Now go out, grab the hand of your closest love one, and take advantage of pre-humidity, sunny East Coast weather! G’on now! Scoot!

Well, not really. But today, I thought I’d gather all of you guys around in a semi-circle of those little desks where the writing surface and the chair is connected (remember those?!) and give you a talkin’ to ’bout the chemical universe behind cheese making. Specifically the world of RENNET. Which is a small galaxy owned by Cher and a group of Swiss cheese makers.

At this point, RENNET is holding me together. Cheese humor!

Rennet is a key ingredient in the beginning steps of making cheese. So let’s review what happens in the cheese conception stage….

Step 1.) Find a group of cows. Or sheep. Or goats. Or even water buffalo! Then lure them into a shed and milk them. (In a totally not creepy way). Collect the milk and then set your animals free. Or milk a bunch of different animals and combine the milk. So. Much. Fun. Already.

Step 2.) Pour your milk into a vat and gently warm it (or if you want to pasteurize it, this is the time you heat it up to 145 degrees, keep it at that temperature for half an hour, and then keep going….whatever, it’s up to you. Go ahead and pasteurize your cheese. You big baby.) and pour your STARTER CULTURE into it.

Starter culture is one of several types of bacteria that helps ferment the sugars found in milk. When you ferment the sugar, you make the milk slightly acidic.

But Chrissssssssssss. Why would you want slightly acidic cheese? Won’t that taste grossssss?

No! And the reason why it is actually a good thing is because of RENNET! Let’s investigate step three.

Step 3.) Add your rennet. Rennet is an enzyme that can be either animal or plant derived (more on this later) that helps the milk fats coagulate. It basically separates the fats from the liquids. The CURDS from the WHEY. Gah! You then pour off the whey, and you have your baby cheese! Eekers! And the slight acidity produced by the starter culture makes the rennet act fast and efficiently!

So the first thing to keep in mind when learning about rennet is that it is a natural enzyme that is designed to coagulate and digest milk fats. It also comes from a natural place that often grosses most people out. That place is called YOUR STOMACH. Well…not your stomach, but baby animal stomachs. Literally.

I will excuse you to dry heave for a second as you think about the linings of animal stomach that are all up in the wedge of cheese you just bought….

So, rennet is the enzyme that is found in the stomachs of most mammals. What this enzyme does is help animals digest and suck up nutrients from a mother’s milk. So how do we get rennet for cheese making? Hold onto your chair, because it’s about to get gnarly.

No more rennet talk!

So once people figured out that this enzyme helped make cheese, the stomachs of baby animals that had been slaughtered for food would be collected, cleaned, dried, and then cut into little bits. Then, they were put into a solution of salt water and vinegar and left to sit for a while. It’s then filtered, and in the resulting solution, you have enough rennet to make HELLA CHEESE! These days, this process is sped up with some sort of enzyme extracting chemical solution that is spilled all over the place. I don’t really understand how THAT works, so if you want to come over and give me some tutoring on what’s going on, that would be super.

How did people figure out that rennet is needed for cheese? There are lots of myths and legends surrounding the dawn of cheese time, but it seems like the consensus is that at some point in time, someone stored some milk in a not so clean animal stomach and then forgot about it. When they tried to get at it, the curds had coagulated and turned into cheese! Imagine the guy who was like “Hey guys! Look at this gooey crud coming out of this old animal stomach! Pay me 5 sheckles to eat it?!” (Dylan, I’m looking at you…) The rest, as they say, is her-story (gotta be PC on the blog.)

Ok, so let’s get one thing straight. Get ready and pay attention here. All cheese has rennet. That’s right. All of ‘em. (OK, so not alllllll cheeses, but most of them. And is cottage cheese even really a “cheese?” It’s more like a curd things anyways so it doesn’t really count….right?) You get a cow cheese, it has cow rennet in it. You get a goat cheese, it has goat rennet in it. You get a sheep cheese, it has sheep rennet in it. Anyone who says they eat rennet-less cheeses is just plain stupid.

"True ladies only eat rennet less cheese. And ham."

“So does this mean that cheese isn’t vegetarian? There is stomach lining enzyme acid juice in my cheese that is holding it together?!?! I’ll sue…”

Yes. Most of the time. But not always. There is also a good number of cheeses that use rennet found naturally in plants! Why they have rennet in them, I can’t figure out…but it can be put to good use. It does the same thing as animal rennet, and results in a TRULY vegetarian cheese. A popular plant to get rennet from is the thistle, and it is often used in Spanish and Portuguese cheeses. The flavor is usually pretty weird…like a creamy pile of old fruit that has been sitting in sheep’s diaper for a couple of days. Mmmmm….sounds good, right? They may be weird, but they sure are delicious.

So that’s the basics of rennet! Yippee! Any questions? Didn’t think so. Someone once brought a pig rennet cheese into the store that they had smuggled out of Italy. It tasted gross and dirty and like a poopy pig pen. So I say…don’t mess with the science if it ain’t broke. And that’s the truth.

Alright lovey doveys. MORE CHEESE BLOGGIN’ LATER!

This guy is so excited about his cheese it hurts. People are a little calmer in Wisconsin, but they never forget the power of a good montage ballad.

This video is a great, brief visual reference for the creation of CHEESE. Which is what this blog is all about. Pleasant Ridge Reserve is also a delicious staple to know and love, and since this brief power presentation was made, the dairy has won lots of other awards. AND this farm came out with another cheese, the Rush Creek Reserve. Which is also totally delicious and badass.

So, get to know Uplands Cheese Company. And their cheeses. And this Youtube clip has totally inspired me to go put on a sweatsuit and run up some stairs, punching and flailing wildly into the air. GO TEAM.

K that’s all. Something wordier will follow suit…

The death of style.

Stamps. Tradition. Standards. Designer Products.

This week’s blog post is all about the four words above. That’s right. Ok, five words. (I said I knew about cheese, not how to count.)

When you think about different types of cheeses, there are certain flavor profiles that are associated with them. A manchego is going to be salty, nutty, and buttery. A Saint-Nectaire is going to be a gray little tomme that tastes like the vegetal nether regions of a mushroom that you found on the slope of a volcano. A comte is going to be nutty with hints of berries and shallots and come in 80 lb. wheels.

But why? Why do these cheeses always taste the same? How do people know what they taste like? It’s not like they just magically taste that way. They are made by human beings with independent thoughts and ideas who believe variety is the spice of life and want things to taste new and exciting! So how come the order of Vacherin Mont D’Or we got in December of 2009 tastes just like the Vacherin Mont D’Or we got in December of 2010? WHY, I ASK YOU? WHY?

I can tell you my, children. So pull up your toadstools and listen. The answer is simple and can be summed up in one word. More like an idea. More like a state of mind and being: Appellation.

Simply defined, appellation is a protected and defined geographical area. Some areas are big…some are small, but the point is marking out areas where climate and soil are consistent. It was thought up by the French (those dastardly devils invent every damn thing that is food and drink centered. OVER IT.) all the way back in the 15th century with the invention of a little cheese product I like to call Roquefort. The French love Roquefort.

Exactly (ignore that this guy is not speaking French….). European visitors come into our shop all the time and ask for it. They know it’s going to taste the same…spicy, fruity, wooly, with a white paste mottled with green holes. People go crazy for it. Anyways, the story goes that way back to the 1400′s when Charles VI granted the people of Roquefort-sur-Soulzon, in the south of France, a total monopoly on the production of roquefort. No one else could make it anywhere else. They could try…but they’d probably be decapitated. Or impaled. Or forced to listen to the new Taylor Swift album.

"Je deteste Taylor Swift." - Actual quote from Charles VI. Also, this guy is like the original hipster. Just look at those flowing locks that I'm sure have been conditioned with PBR and American Spirits!

When the Law for the Protection of the Place of Origin was passed by the French Ministry of Agriculture in 1919, Roquefort was the first cheese to be monitored and controlled by this new set of super strict French standards. The first “Appellation d’origine contrôlée (AOC)” was created. Originally used as a way to control superior production of wine products, eventually cheese, olive oil, butter, even lavender was dragged into the ring. So, if you are eating an AOC cheese, you know it is always going to come from a specific region that grows the same types of grasses and herbs due to the specific soil composition and climate. It’s going to be produced by specific animals that are bred and raised in that area and eat said flora. It’s going to be produced in the same way, so that it generally tastes the same every time.

That’s why when you drink champagne, you know it comes from that one tiny region in France called Champagne. Everything else is sparkling wine, or cava, or prosecco, or some other technically different entity. It’s basically a production copyright for food and wine. You can make something that tastes exactly the same from somewhere else, but you can’t mark it with its government protected name. So there, you phonies.

Stamp that bitch up.

Today, there are 42 cheeses that display the AOC stamp. Lots of other countries also have their own version of AOC. In Spain, you have Denominación de Origen (DO). In Italy, you have Denominazione di origine controllata (DOC). The European Union even has one… Protected Designation of Origin (PDO), of which there are a number of variations. It’s the newest craze! It’s hot, like…LED grills in Japan!

So what is the point of all this stamping and labeling and stressin’ over where the hell things come from. The answer is two-fold.

One, these countries want to guarantee quality control. Like I said earlier, the French go bananas over roquefort. Could you imagine the riots that would take place if Roquefort changed? It would be like locking the cast of Jersey Shore in a room with a case of 4 Loko and then releasing them into an Ed Hardy store that is holding a casting call for the Bad Girls Club. (I may or may not be addicted to reality TV). People like consistency. They like tasting something and drifting off down memory lane and thinking about that summer when they were 16 they first tasted roquefort and then discovered how fun it is to try and beer bong an entire box of Franzia at once (it doesn’t work. Trust me.). These countries take great national pride in these products, and they want to make sure that when they are shipped all over the world, they represent (to the upmost standard!) the places they come from and the people who produced them. Sure, there are other sheep’s milk blues that come from France. Some of them taste almost identical to Roquefort…but they sure as hell aren’t Roquefort.

The other reason for applying AOC status (or the variety of other stamps you can toss around) is to guarantee that people who have spent generations producing these high-quality products a consistent livelihood that will last into the future.

Farmers & cheese producers are not financially rich people. But they are determined and great people. There is a lot of struggling those goes along with producing food – especially if you are dependent on weather and animals. Imagine if AOC didn’t exist and some doofus business man…

Clearly this is what French businessmen look like.

…came along and realized that he could just start using machines and corn-fed, industry style sheep, and weird chemical flavor packets to produce cheese that tastes just like Roquefort. For a fraction of the price. He would put out all of the traditional sheep farmers and cheese producers out of business. Luckily, we live in a world where if a farmer wants to be a farmer (in Europe…don’t get me started about how ridiculous it is that the American government does absolutely nothing to protect small American farmers…) they are going to be protected by the government. And as a result, we get delicious cheese that tastes the same now as when my great grandpappy was on his Eurotrip back in the 1800′s! That’s cool! You are eating history and tasting the hard work of happy people producing product that they are proud of.

Yes, often AOC cheeses are more expensive than others. But not always. And when you come into the Bedford Cheese Shop and see that we have cheeses for $47 a pound, you know that not only are you allowing small business to flourish, you are also allowing farmers to make more cheese for you to enjoy in the future. So, good job, you!

So that’s that. AOC. Name protection. Just like the bejeweled “Juicy” that is marked on all those velour tracksuits. That way, you know it’ll stretch to fit just right as you pad around in your UGGs and sip your new “Trenta” size apple pie Frappucino.

Seriously? 31 ounces of caffeine in 1 cup? Why don't you just start injecting it into your veins? Or better yet, just turn to speed. It pretty much will have the same addictive effect and probably a better come down.

Thanks for reading! Also, I’m trying to do some research on Latin American cheeses. Does anyone know about this? There is absolutely no information about cheese from Latin America, except for one article about a dairy in Ecuador that was featured in Culture Magazine a year and a half ago.

Help a brother out…

But, despite this little blog hiatus (Where did 3 weeks go?!!!? I really have lost all track of time. Ay yi yi. Five words y’all: eggnog, turkey, peppermint bark…eggnog.) the band got back together for one last jam. On the blog. And this week, I wanted to explain the differences between two important catchphrases in the cheeseworld. “Artisan” vs. “Farmstead.” Related? Important? Do I care?

The answer is. Yes.

Our cheese selection at the Bedford Cheese Shop is focused on products that are considered either “artisan” or “farmstead.” So what does that mean for someone like me: Billy Goodconsumer?

So...not a dude? Tranny?

“Farmstead” is the easier to define of the two, and often the more interesting. If a cheese is a “farmstead cheese,” it is produced on the same farm that the milk comes from. So, while you can use any type of milk, make any kind of cheese, add any Craisins or Sprinkles that you want, you just cannot bring milk in from any outside sources. The farmer milks the cows and then makes the cheese with that very same milk.

“Artisan” is more of an unofficial term that gets thrown around the same way “organic” does. You pretty much slap the word “artisan” in front of the name of a product and people will go totally banana sandwich over it.

Barfy-burp.

Basically, “artisan” means that a food item is produced by hand, in small limited quantities, to the highest of quality standards. For cheese in particular it means that the cheesemaker is following the tradition of hundreds of thousands of eons of other cheese making methods and try to keep everything clean, all-natural, and as machine free as they can.

BUT there isn’t really a set “standard” for what artisan means. Most people think it just means high-quality. Which it usually does. It usually means that the producer is paying close attention to the ingredients that they are using, how the end product tastes, and consider production more of an art rather than a way to make a buck.

It is basically setting cheese apart from “factory produced,” in which the cheese is made entirely by a machine. Robot pouring milk, robot checking temperature, robot shrink wrapping blocks of cheddar for lunch cafeteria tacos everywhere.

Robot food.

Is a farmstead cheese always an artisan cheese? Yes!

Is an artisan cheese always a farmstead cheese? Not necessarily. Milk can come from a variety of sources, and no matter how careful you are in the production of cheese, as soon as you remove the milk from the farm the end product is no longer farmstead.

So what is the benefit to seeking farmstead cheese? Often, the farmer knows exactly what the herd has been eating, how this is affecting the quality of milk produced, what fields will be the best for grazing, and spends a lot of time fretting over their herd in order to have totally bomb-tacular end product. In this way you sort of get “cheese terroir” – the flavor of the cheese reflects the subtleties of the minerals in the soil, the types of herbs or grass growing in the fields, the climate, and the water nurturing all the animals. You can taste the place that the cheese is coming from! Total sensory overllllloaddddd maaaaaaan!

I don't think this is working? Wait. Maybe they are working a little now. Is it doing anything different for you? I mean I'm totally getting this flowery grassy Vermont field thing right now....

But, this isn’t saying that all cheese that is “farmstead” in necessarily GOOD cheese. There’s lots of mediocre farmstead cheese out there. It simply means that ingredients and product come from the same place!

Hooray for summary. So, to wrap it up. Artisan cheese is dairy product that is the result of attention to craft and end product. Farmstead cheese is the same, but it all happens on the SAME FARM. Crazy.

Now you know why we don’t carry Babybel wax covered rounds or Pecorino Romano. Factory-robot bad cheese. They have no idea where that milk is coming from and are so removed from the end product that most people producing these cheeses probably have very little idea of how their factory cheese ends up tasting and feeling the way it does.

So get a clue. And come to BCS. Where we bring the farm. To you.

And in addition, I would like to wish you all a Happy Holiday courtesy of my favorite Korean sensation, a one Mr. Kim Dong Won.